Gm3r.com | Party Like A Gamer.

Tara & Jill is a weekly column by Zaxy bloggers Tara Miller and Jill Collette, who are all-around aficionados of everything geeky. No, they’re not unicorns, and no, we can’t give you their phone numbers (trust us, we’ve tried), but you can still kick back and read along as they explore the culture of gaming with spirited observation.

Sometimes I start up a video game and become instantly distracted by the main character’s outfit, or should I say, the lack thereof. “Really,” I scoff, “I’m supposed to kick ass in a belly baring low cut shirt,” and, “How is that unitard not giving you a wedgie?” That said, some of these characters know what they’re doing. A parasol may seem like a frilly, impractical accessory, but a well trained princess is able to use it as a weaponized flying device.

So what would I wield if I were a video game character? Read on to find out.

10. A bra. Because, really. You can’t be expected to run around outside and get anything done with those flopping around, and bosses will never take you seriously. Plus, can you say chafing?

9. A black tank top. I don’t know about you, but full length spandex would make me sweat like no other. In a tank top I can move around easily and not worry about pitting out. Why black? Because blood is really hard to wash out of white.

8. Bayonetta’s gun shoes. Dude, they’re guns. On shoes. It’s an easily accessible weapon that’s only a little impractical and a whole lot of hotness. Guys don’t mess with gun shoes. Plus there’s a bonus mini game — every step is a little like playing Russian Roulette with the sidewalk.

7. My hair down. Women’s hair has many uses (see Bayonetta again). It keeps me warm, can be used as a weapon (have you been whipped by hair before?), and adds to my charisma. Rawr.

6. Jeans. You’re going to want your legs covered, preferably with something that won’t rip easily. You may be running, fighting, crawling, and sliding. I would be much more willing to do that in jeans than a skirt or some booty shorts.

5. Lara Croft’s utility belt. I want to keep some extra weapons (as well as a leatherman and some trusty lip balm) nearby, and this helps in case I’m out of bullets in my gun shoes.

4. A Portal Gun. I like to avoid violence if I can, so if I can escape or say, drop a boulder down a hole and onto my enemy, I’d prefer it. Yeah, its quite a step up from the first 6 items, but then, video games can be crazy ass places.

3. Mario’s Propeller Hat. Wish you could fly? I don’t have to wish, because with this, I CAN. Plus, it does double duty as a helmet.

2. Link’s Master Sword. This isn’t any old sword. It protects me from evil, never gets damaged, and if I’m super healthy, sometimes it’ll even let me SMITE people.

1. A Couple Green Mushrooms in a Med Pack. If the med pack’s good enough to heal friggin zombie wounds for the cast of Left 4 Dead, it should be good enough for whatever I fight. And if Band-Aids just won’t do, it won’t hurt to have a few extra lives.

Bonus: Tim’s Ability to Time Travel. We all make a lot of mistakes. And if Braid taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need to worry about the repercussions when you have the ability to time travel! I’d love to be able to hop back a few seconds and give that deadly Labyrinth or boss fight one more try.

Although it may look silly to a commoner like yourself, I think this would make me the perfect video game character. With this fine combination, I’m set to defeat any enemy: whether it’s a bunch of zombies, dragons, ninjas, or just a group of sassy teenage boys at a Comic Convention. I’d at least be fine until my health started to run low — then I’ll need to find some cupcakes and energy drinks pronto. With a scream of “Funfetti!”, I’ll be back into full fighting power.

So, kiddos, could you defeat me? What would your ultimate video game character need to pull it off?

Sound off below in the comments!

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